This topic is going to make some people uncomfortable. But it’s a pivotal part of writing about motherhood. So if you don’t want to read about breastfeeding, move along, nothing for you here.

Chris, for all intents and purposes, is now a formula-fed toddler, with no problems drinking whole milk and eating regular food (that kid can eat — tonight he had a tub of baby food, most of my chicken noodle soup from Panera, some of the bread that came with my meal, maybe 4 ounces of a 6-ounce formula bottle and some of my chocolate chip muffin). Problem is, he is still waking up most nights at least once, wanting to nurse. Granted, he doesn’t nurse a long time, but he still does it.

Basically, I’ve been preparing for this for a few weeks now. I stopped pumping at work last week. I’ve been drinking regularly caffeinated coffee. And I’m about to switch from the mini pill that allows me to breastfeed, to regular hormone birth control pills that will no longer make breastfeeding possible.

I’m a tad conflicted still. I am mostly on board with my plan to abruptly wean Chris. And he’s at that point where it should be relatively painless — he’s drinking less from his bottles, he has no problem drinking milk from a sippy cup. I’m back to wearing regular bras, and thank God almighty, regular dresses (because when you’re nursing, you need easy access).

It’s the nighttime wakings I dread. I haven’t been able to wean him from dead-of-night nursing sessions because when you’re exhausted, last thing you want to do is try to dance your kid to sleep in the middle of a dark, cluttered room. Plus, when you’re as exhausted as I’ve been, there’s no cognizant thoughts. There’s no thinking to yourself, “OK, we’re night weaning, so just hang in there and let him cry a little bit.” You just lay him down next to you and let him have at it. Truth be told, I blame my husband because he’s been reluctant to move the boys into the same room because he thinks they’ll wake each other up.

Hey, better them than me. What?

But there’s still that thought that, if say tonight, which is supposed to be my last night, goes badly, I may have to call for one more prescription of mini pills and delay full weaning one more month. I really don’t want to do that.

Here’s hoping that all that food tonight will make him sleep through the night and I can go through with weaning. For good.