This brief begs a few questions:

Who buys five pounds of bacon?

Why would you report the burglary of five pounds of bacon?

Exactly how big is this man’s wife that she can eat five pounds of bacon for a late night snack?

How much time did the police spend investigating the theft of five pounds of bacon?

How deeply did this man sleep that he didn’t realize his wife was cooking up five pounds of bacon?

What would you eat with five pounds of bacon? Did she just eat the five pounds of bacon alone?

I would have loved to have written this brief. Really.