for the record

OK, when I wrote “get me fired!” I didn’t mean it literally. It was an outburst of sarcasm. You know, sarcasm? According to dictionary.com, it’s “a cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound.” But in this case, the cutting, often ironic remark had already wounded me.

The reason why I had an outburst yesterday was 1) I’m PMS’ing and 2) someone made an unfounded allegation that I misquoted him yesterday, after someone already pointed out, in the most mean and hurtful way possible, that I’d misspelled her daughter’s name. I actually got the email about the misspelling Saturday and wanted to shoot back an equally mean and condescending message – but I resisted. I knew that I would get in trouble if I was reckless with what I wrote back. And even though I waited for my editor’s OK to write back, I still got in trouble because my email was poorly worded and sort of insinuated that I don’t ALWAYS do my best to get sources’ names right. (Again, for the record, I do do my best to get sources’ names right and have formed a habit of writing the name down, then having the source look at how I wrote it to make sure its right.) The allegation of misquoting someone was just the cherry on top – this is the same teacher who says I’m lazy and careless because I won’t, like, personally count the ballots the teacher’s union used to vote for their contract. I was so incensed at his claim that I immediately went looking for the word document that had the notes and the story in it and emailed the whole thing to my editor, highlighting the paragraph in question.

I don’t know why I got so angry and hurt over the fiasco. I essentially shut down the rest of the work day, being quiet (which is quite out of character for me) for the most part and only being chipper at my afternoon assignment. I think I can really only blame myself and the memories and past hurts I’ve held on to – past hurts and barbs at the hands of people no longer at my paper. It’s those people who continue to thwart me, even though they’re not at my paper, and I guess its time to let go of those hurts so I can develop a thicker skin. *shrug* I can’t help it – I’m used to people liking me as a person. And, its not like I’ve ever been out to get anyone – contrary to what some local law enforcement officers might believe.

Ugh. I’m still wondering if I’m cut out for this job. Imagine – two years and you’re not sure if you’re cut out for you job. Yuck.